Estoy Perdido
by MelissaRose85
Summary: The thoughts of a Hokage. 20 drabbles. Narutocentric. 2nd of 4. Complete.


A/N: The writer's block is leaving, slowly, but still remains in the way of my epilogue for SYWBL. It's upsetting me that I have left it languishing for so long, but I really can't get it the way I want it to be. And until I can right something fitting, I won't go there. So I'm continuing with my drabble project, this time with Naruto, in hopes that this little writing exercise will help to get it out of my system.

Since this is actually a spoken language, I will say that I'm sorry to any who don't agree with my translations. There is no exact way to translate to and from foreign languages, and I've been taught a mix of Central American Spanish and Spain's Spanish, which are very different (my teachers were from very different areas!) If anyone has any issues, I'm sorry! Really!

And yes, the phrases are much different than the ones for Sakura. These are thoughts, not scenes from a life, so the phrases correspond to that.

_What's left: Japanese for Sasuke, Chinese for Sai, and English for Kakashi and Yamato. _

* * *

"Estoy Perdido"

_20 looks into Naruto's thoughts

* * *

_

**A mi muerte – **_To my death._

He's just there.

Sickly. Thin. Nothing like what I thought the leader of Akatsuki would be. And his story is enough to shake my bones.

But I push it back, and I move forward. His life, his vision of peace means death for my village, and I won't let that happen.

Even if it means my own.

**

* * *

Bobo – **_Stupid._

I've been called worse, yeah. But everytime it's hurled at me, that hated word, I cringe and can't help but remember how smart Sasuke was, and how intelligent Sakura was, and how I was always last in the class. It's like people are trying to keep me down, trying to keep me from being anything other than the loser.

But then Sakura turns and looks at me, her face flushed from defending me to some jackass in the market, and I see that it doesn't matter. Sure, she calls me a baka too, but I usually deserve it. And she's never, ever meant it the way those people do. So I smile to show her how she makes me feel, and she takes my hand in hers, and I feel that it doesn't hurt anymore.

**

* * *

Cada día te quiero más que ayer y menos que mañana – **_I love you more than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow._

Sometimes I can see her heart shine out of her eyes, even when she turns away to hide how she's feeling. My Sakura-chan is strong, and beautiful, and radiant. But she thinks she doesn't have what it takes sometimes, I know it. I can see it.

I wish she knew that I'll always see her as the strong person she was the first time I saw her split the ground beneath me—this vibrant girl that was always in my heart, no matter where I went.

But she grows stronger every day, more like Baa-chan and more her own person. Sometimes I can't wait to see how she'll be when we're older, full shinobi in our own shoes, going on S-rank missions to keep our country safe.

**

* * *

Te quedas conmigo, por favor– **_Stay with me, please._

I feel your memory slipping, as we get used to this new Team 7, Team Kakashi, Team Yamato, whatever it's called nowadays. Sakura is smiling again, Kakashi will joke and pull him aside, Yamato has accepted our new battle formations. He is not you, nowhere near it. He is awful in his own right, in a way you could never be. He is Sai, through and through.

But he fits so well, as he gains a spot and learns to accept what we teach him, and you keep slipping away in your own darkness, and into the darkness of old memories. They're like movies that haven't been watched in years, just glimpses of how you used to be with us here.

He's taken that place in my fresh memory. He's sensory, and here, and real. You're not. And it hurts sometimes, and I want you to be here, not him, and then I realize he is actually part of us, fighting for us, not against us.

Still.

I don't think I can take another day without you. It hurts to be with somebody else.

**

* * *

De noche, todos los gatos son negros – **_At night, all the cats are black. (I.e., they're all the same)_

No one flinches when I run into them in the market, late from dinner or just returned from a mission. I always wondered why it was such a big deal to see me in the market during the day, like the thing in me was some demon that would rise up and kill them all one day, even when they know it won't.

But at night, they can't see me. I can walk around free, no gasps or disgust stuck in the air surrounding me. Maybe that's why I began doing everything after dinner, instead of in the afternoon. But it really doesn't matter.

They'll see what they want until they can't see anymore.

**

* * *

El otro – **_The other._

The other being in me, he whispers sometimes.

It's so low I can't hear it until my anger is up and I can't think straight. But it scares me. I have this idea, that he's lying in wait, for just the moment that I slip up and he can take over.

Or maybe, he's leading me. Putting little ideas into that thing Sakura called my subconscious, turning my thoughts and actions into what he wants. This other person, this thing in my head.

I can't get him out, I can't make him stop.

**

* * *

En mis sueños, veo mucho – **_I see a lot in my dreams._

When I dream, I see a Konoha that doesn't laugh at me. Friends that smile wide and don't have to worry about Akatsuki, rogue ninja, death. I see Sakura smiling like she did when we were twelve, I see Sasuke brooding but still here, Kakashi being an asshole, but a living one.

My dreams are my Konoha—what it should have been when I became the Hokage I've dreamed of. There are happy families and bright sunshine. My father is there. My mother—whoever she was—stands beside him, grinning at me.

But they're only dreams, and waking up from the one with Sakura's pink hair on my baby girl can send the air from my lungs quicker than her punches.

**

* * *

Espada – **_Sword._

The first time he pointed that Kusanagi at me is burned in my memory, but the second time is pure torture. And as he raises it, even further, almost coming up to my neck again, I can feel the electricity shooting off of it in arcs of intensity, his hatred for my village almost more than I can take.

**

* * *

Esto no me gusta** – _I don't like this._

She looks at me, big brown eyes holding tears that won't fall, and there's a frog sitting there, which can only mean that Ero-sennin has done something stupid, like always, and I feel my stomach drop to the ground.

Later, she gives me this huge arm-full of papers, notes, pictures, everything he had left here. I can feel my eyes go red as the Kyuubi takes advantage of the emotion surging through my body, and I close them, soft skin slipping over my dry corneas, trying to block out every truth I can hear in her voice.

**

* * *

La leyenda de mi padre – **_The legend of my father._

The Yondaime was my father. The Yellow Flash, one of the greatest shinobi in history, was the man who I would have called dad. It makes me proud, to know that the "trash" insults mean nothing anymore, but I can't believe it at first. How could I come from him?

How much harder will I have to work at this now, if I want to meet his legend with my own?

**

* * *

Llévame, donde estés, llévame – **_Take me to where you are._

I would've gone anywhere with you, to help you, Sasuke.

Why can't you see that? Why did you leave?

**

* * *

Me trae otro oportunidad** – _May I have another chance?_

She's so pissed at me. Yeah, I kinda deserve it, but seriously. I didn't think she would actually not talk to me for over a week. Sheesh.

It was one little window. Really.

Oh, God, this is gonna take a lot of groveling, isn't it? What do you do to get in Sakura-chan's good graces when you broke her window fighting with Sai no baka?

Flowers? Candy? New kunai? Maybe a big hug would be enough?

Heh heh. Yeah, right. I doubt she'll let me near her.

Man, my knees are gonna hurt by the end of this.

**

* * *

Mi casa es su casa – **_My house is your house._

Hyuuga Hiashi is an asshole. That's all there is to it, really. Who treats their kids like that?

But as I look at her, laying on my bed, curled up in my sheets, I can't help but be thankful he's such a bastard. Otherwise, she'd never come running to me when they fought.

**

* * *

No hay igual – **_There is no equal._

Please, don't hide your face from me.

Can't you see that I understand?

Don't worry. He won't get to you again. I'll protect you this time, like I should have.

God, Hinata, you should have told me sooner.

**

* * *

No lo entiendo** – _I don't understand this._

It's too much to take. He was the only thing I had in my life, he was the only father I think I ever knew. But he left, without even telling me what he had planned.

He didn't even come say goodbye.

Did I mean that little to him? Was I really just some student, some kid he was saddled with for years that didn't mean squat to him? Was he even who I thought he was?

I know that…I know I wasn't the best student, and I did plenty wrong. But he was all I had. I don't think I can take this feeling again, this loss. It's too sharp, too deep, too much at one time.

He was all I had. White hair and orange books.

**

* * *

No puedo vivir sin mi familia – **_I can't live without my family._

Oh, God.

No.

I can't feel him.

I can sense Sakura, healing someone, and I can see Tsunade-baachan is weak, but alive, but I can't feel him.

Where is he?

If he's not here, then…

No. Kakashi-sensei wouldn't leave the village to face this alone.

There's Sai, too, right there…

Oh, God. I can't feel him anymore.

**

* * *

Oigo las verdades en su corazón – **_I hear the truths in his heart._

That can't be you. I swear, you wouldn't do that! Believe in me, that's all I ever asked! You could have come to me, we could have done something!

Why are you so stupid, Sasuke-teme?!

I swear to God, I'll help you. I can see it in your eyes, you don't want to do this, you don't want to be here like this. I'll help you. I swear. I'll help you.

Just…take it off. I can't see you like that—it hides who you are.

**

* * *

Se te olvido – **_I'll forget you. (I.e. I forget you)_

I swear to everything I hold dear, I'll fucking forget you. I'll forget you were ever my friend, my brother, a member of my team. How could you do this? You wear that cloak, going on and on about how we did this to you, how Konoha has to pay.

You aren't the boy I knew. So I'll forget you even exist, and I'll hope that one day, that boy will come back. You can't be him.

**

* * *

Soy triste, pero fuego – **_I'm sad, but strong._

I have to be strong. I have to. If I can just stand here, and look like I don't care, then maybe they'll listen to him. Please, they have to listen to him. I don't think I can take being the Hokage that executed his best friend, his brother.

I have to be strong. I can't let them see how much this is tearing me apart. I just have to be here, and look like a Hokage should, even though my heart is with him and the rest of what is left of our team.

I watch the people I vowed to protect, the people Sakura-chan and Sai-no-baka fight for, jeer at them, throwing every insult they can think of to the one team that stayed together, no matter what.

And my heart breaks.

**

* * *

Te quiero – **_I love you._

We're all here. Well, at least those of us who made it through all the shit we've been put through. It's rare that we can get together like this anymore, with everyone so busy.

Well, everyone except Sasuke—teme. He's still on the short list.

But it's night, my favorite time here in Konoha, and Sakura's beside me, and Sai is being his normal asshole self, and I wish it could last forever. Tomorrow will bring missions, and fights, and bull that we shouldn't have to deal with but we will, because we're shinobi.

Sakura will stay in the hospital all day, and Sai will piss someone off, and Sasuke will mope around the village, bored out of his mind now that he has no one to really take his moody crap out on. I'll be stuck in that office all damn day, signing papers and doing crap no Hokage should have to ever contemplate.

But right now—right now is different.

I'm going to miss this tomorrow, but right now, I love the moment.

* * *

One more down. ^^


End file.
